"We are not evacuating this house"

sparklepanda @ 2009-05-06T07:59:00

2009-05-06T11:35:57Z

"This year is a year for change. In all aspects. It needs to be."

and my oh my how things change, how the world moves. if all works out ill be in another corner of the country by the end of august. i hope it does.

Deer.

2008-09-02T04:54:22Z

Deer because they live between our world and everything else.

And because they're the only animal that has an ounce of the grace that a unicorn has. Or so says the last unicorn.

I'm excited for when I have a boyfriend and we can play picture games together

2008-07-27T06:29:22Z

I've spent a lot of this summer working and looking forward to certain events that seem like they'll give me a break or perspective on the summer and work i've been doing. They come, then go, and are usually too short, a sip of water when I really want to chug the whole bottle. It's okay, but I can't help but feel a little stir crazy, it's seeping through the cracks of my room and shakes the air, agitating all who are attune to the vibrations.
Frank told me that even the street lights sound bored with their buzzings. Their steady hum (mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm) reflects the stagnant nature of the insanity, left sweltering in the heat. We might just explode.
Not really.

People are coming and going, the dynamic changes each week. It's kind of lonely here, but good to be home, wonderful to have a loving family, and I'm happy that I'm not dead. Still, I feel consistent yet restless, and I would like to stop feeling like I'm waiting and instead be happy that I'm doing.

I am getting more and more into the idea of painting dead animals. Dead deer, roadkill, in headlights, covering the walls. Piles of deer on the side of a road as a car drives past. Massacres, due to accidents. Deer smashed through the window of the William Sonoma uptown, as the display window behind cheerily blurbs out "Now that I found love, what else do I need?" It's a start, thoughts about nature and being outside of your element. Nature outside of its element, Alienation. After that we'll see where it goes.

Anyways.

I'm taking next year off and I think it's a good decision. come September I'll be moving to Brooklyn, then in January I'm off to Hawaii. These are two of the events that I'm looking forward too, and I think it'll be good to be living free from school and family and pretty much all other familiar ties, as comforting and wonderful as they are. Maybe it'll make it more refreshing, more exciting to go back to school a year from now. Maybe not. Either way, I think it's a good way to spend my time, and hopefully it'll help remedy my belief that my aspirations in life are petty ( i just want to illustrate children's books) and I don't actually have to be someone that helps save the world from horrible destruction and imminent disaster and horror due to overpopulation and constant pollution. Actually, I only feel that way when I'm in a shitty mood, which I'm not right now. And that's not really the point or what I feel like talking or thinking about. Life really is very amazing and interesting, And basically what I'm trying to say is that I'm really excited to be doing and living and with such opportunities. I have no idea really what to expect in the next year, but I'm excited to see what happens.

Sarah Lawrence: keeping the spirit of feminism alive

2007-11-18T18:33:38Z

http://www.ikeepadiary.com/diary/2001/sarah_lawerence/frame_index.html

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

sparklepanda @ 2007-07-12T22:07:00

2007-07-13T01:57:33Z

scratch that. Home on Saturday and sunday. la la

sparklepanda @ 2007-07-11T21:41:00

2007-07-12T01:30:59Z

In Massachussetts for a week and a half, no internet really, got my phone, see y'all later.

sparklepanda @ 2007-06-19T01:45:00

2007-06-19T05:35:25Z

one more thing

http://slc.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2005702&l=9e42d&id=1335330015

chop chop.

sparklepanda @ 2007-06-17T23:58:00

2007-06-18T03:50:54Z

So I'm home now for the summer.

Boston was good, waking up and sitting on the roof in the sun after a trashed night listening to dooey decibal= awesome.

I am going to change things, I hope its not too late.

Okay.

And my phone is completely broken, you can call me, but we cant hear each other if i pick up. If you do call though, ill try to call you back on another phone. yup.

sparklepanda @ 2007-05-26T02:55:00

2007-05-26T06:45:27Z

So tired.

Coming home tomorrow til tuesday. Yeah!

hmmmm. Boston...

2007-05-21T17:09:43Z

over enthusiastic interviewer apparently he thinks id be a great field manager.... I think he probably says that to everyone seeing as they seem to need a lot of people.

This could work out. And then I could go work at the Opera house in Seattle. I like this.

sparklepanda @ 2007-05-20T14:25:00

2007-05-20T18:18:15Z

Places I might be stayin (instead of Montclair)
Boston, Massachusetts
Seattle, Washington

Hmmm.

This week has been so busy and last night was the first good nights sleep i got int a while
til 2 after going to bed at 4, surprise party for my dad. My parents are so in love and its so sweet. I love my family a lot.

sparklepanda @ 2007-05-13T13:34:00

2007-05-13T17:47:05Z

soooo....

I'm sorry i've disappeared on a lot of people. I've been having some trouble.

The semester is over and I'm coming home this week

My phone is broken.... I can receive calls but I cant talk. People can hear me when I answer it but I cant hear them.

I'm probably going to see a therapist this summer
My parents think I'm depressed (and have been throughout the school year?). I think I might agree.

I went to Long Island with Revel yesterday in his monster truck. We got pulled over by a cop because his taillights had gone out. His car is ridiculous, and fun to drive, in a scary way. But road trips are nice.

I miss a lot of people and Im sorry if Ive been neglectful. I'll try to be better. Ill be back home soon.

sparklepanda @ 2007-04-01T00:22:00

2007-04-01T04:12:28Z

Basically, Dinner parties with people I love make my life.

mmmm

Painting timeee

sparklepanda @ 2007-03-25T08:57:00

2007-03-25T13:18:52Z

last night
I randomly decided to see my friend from CTY
Who I haven't seen since the camp, 5 years ago.
I left at 8 last night, got there to Bumblefuck NJ at 9, hung out til 5, slept til 6 30, then drove back and got back at 8 30. Stopped at eagle rock and watched the sun rising a little over the silhouette city, the storm clouds arent over the ocean so the light from behind the city was a pale yellow. it was beautiful.

back to school today. Lame. I've had fun.

What the hell.

2007-02-24T19:38:52Z

last night I had a dream in which I was persecuted Invisible Man style. I kept trying to do the "right" things and kept on getting fucked for it. In my dream I sat there and watched my hair cut itself short. It looked cute. I ran away from someone (and his organization, whatever that was) who was yelling at me for failing, failing at something they had forced me to do, that I hadn't wanted to. Ran away, flew a bit and jumped into the water and became a mermaid. Green scales reflect the sunlight. Suddenly it was a parallel to the Little Mermaid, and yet, it had nothing to do with it at all. Beating up dangerous fish, in hiding from that man, those people. Good thing I had fins.

I'm forgetting more of it as we speak.
Fucking weird man.

sparklepanda @ 2007-02-18T04:34:00

2007-02-18T09:24:59Z

This is dumb. I don't want to deal with anything.

Sleeping is weird.

2007-02-12T07:57:23Z

I really need to start going to bed before my angst takes over and I go crazy.

Retarculous. This weekend I got to look at the Millbrook boarding school zoo and went into the lemur cage. They licked my fingers and i got to pet them. They're beautiful. I almost got to go into the deer cage but we didnt have time. Ellie and Lily are sweet. I also got to see Moira and Annie and they invited me and other people up whenever. And Moria invited me to paint in her studio. Mmmmmmm studio in brooklyn? Mmmmm.

I get flustered too easily and I overanalyze everything.

sparklepanda @ 2007-02-09T15:39:00

2007-02-09T20:31:03Z

today pepper taught me how to play squash and it was sweet.

my sister is wonderful

2007-02-09T10:16:59Z

"I know, I know. and you know -- sometimes it is okay to let life wash through one like a bass line. sometimes it is okay to be very small like the tiniest piece of a particle so that when hardness comes it can sift around one like so much dust -- one can keep spinning then. "

It's pretty. I miss my sister. She had her art opening last week. I'm proud of her. I cant wait for her to send pictures of her work. Still having touble sleeping. meh.

Fuck fuck fuck

2007-02-03T08:12:00Z

I hate it in here sometimes. I am so fucking tired of myself. I don't know.

more changes

2007-01-28T22:13:29Z

I'm tired, so tired.

I'm sorry.

2006-2007

2007-01-03T17:18:48Z

Happy New Year!
Its going to take me years to process and absorb all thats happened and is happening. I still don't know all of myself yet (I know some things though), or how to function here. I am excited for everything, even with those rought things. I have so much learning to do.
I love.

Baobabs

2006-12-20T17:17:43Z

"You have tamed me
Now you must take me
How am I supposed to be?
I dont have my thorns now

And I feel them sprouting
Theyll grow right through if I dont watch it
Theyll grow through even if I watch it
And a sunset couldn't save me now..."

Le Ballon Rouge

2006-12-19T08:32:12Z

34 minute film full of sentimental value
I almost forgot about this movie, but its actually one of my favorites.

Le Ballon Rouge Pt. 1
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SGgX212Pn7A

you can find the rest from there.

Besides that, I am happy to be home.
I've been hurt really badly
I am kind of really confused
I am sure about some things
I am not sure why
I'm a little scared of being taken advantage of for it
There are some awesome, amazing people in the world
and some lame ones
I miss the people at school
But I also like to see the people I miss here.
I love my family.
So thats nice.

What makes everything better?

2006-12-14T10:47:55Z

1 (now + 1)
90's music
Sometimes my older brother and I will bond over 90's music. We'll go through the different songs for an hour or two, seeing what songs and bands each person remembers. He usually remembers more, because he's three years older. "Standing Outside of a Broken Phone Booth with Money in my Hand" by Primitive Radio Gods is one song that I didnt remember the name or band, but I did remember the song. And then he reminded me of it, and told me with a proud sincere smile on his usually deadpan or joking (somehow politely blocked) face about how long it took for him to find the song, since for the longest time he couldn't remember it himself.
Only the fact that it sampled B. B. King
"I've been downhearted baby
I've been down
I've been downhearted baby
Ever since the day we met..."

I just accidently found the song again. I love my brother and my family for things like this. It made me the most calm and content that I've been for a while. I feel a little warmer. (a little more hopeful)
It will be nice to go home and regroup, and hopefully resolve some things. I am sorry and I miss everyone. I love you.